Tortured by migratory items of clothing

I just spent the entire weekend with a chip on my shoulder, the result of a constant push and pull battle I couldn’t seem to let go of, but kept revisiting every few minutes. Although I know you’re not supposed to go to bed angry, I felt I didn’t have a choice.

Instead of getting what little rest was available overnight at the hotel where I was staying, I lie awake ruminating over the situation, replaying what had transpired and lamenting the stalemate in which I found myself.

The phrases, “It shouldn’t be this way” and “It’s not my fault” waltzed across the vast wasteland of my nighttime mind. There was plenty of room for the chip on my shoulder because something else refused to rest there where it should: My bra strap.

To travel as lightly as possible to the conference I was attending, I had gone with only one pair of shoes and one bra for the weekend. The former worked fine and the latter would have, too, had I not accidentally grabbed the one with the migratory strap. 

Men might want to stop reading here, unless they can be trusted to learn a bit of highly confidential information about how the other gender is wired, or, rather, underwired.

Just how irritating is a slipping and sliding bra strap? Well, international rules of prisoner treatment banned placing female detainees in migratory underwear way before they thought to address water boarding. Strap slippage was deemed less humane.

While the sensation, itself, is harmless, it drives a woman crazy in increments. It’s hard to not think about how wrong it feels to have the strap out of place. A herding instinct kicks in and you become obsessed with ushering it back where it belongs.

I went from subtly sneaking the strap back into place with the hand that was supposed to be over my heart during the playing of our national anthem day one, to blatantly yanking it back into place in front of everyone by day three. I’d go into the bathroom each break in the action, remove my shirt, slip the bra off and tighten the strap, only to have it re-loosen as soon as I moved my left arm.

Why does this always happen to me? My husband, the quality engineer, explained the technicalities of my situation: It doesn’t. Sometimes a bad batch of stuff (bras or other product) simply manages to slip through. “Stuff” happens. Plus, the stretching and prodding and stitching monitoring isn’t truly a test of whether a garment will stay put.

Consider the creepy alternative: Women (and perhaps a few men) paid to walk around the quality control department, for testing purposes, wearing our bras or panties before we buy them. I’d rather allow my garments to keep slipping past the infamous Inspector 12, even knowing they will later wreak havoc with my world.

Whether due to the silk or some other ilk, my bra strap made perpetual left turns and kept migrating south. Just the left strap, mind you. No comfort in symmetry. Alas, the right strap remained securely anchored in the permanent shoulder groove carved out from a lifetime of purse carrying.

After showering Saturday morning, I briefly considered not putting the evil bra back on, but my remaining shirts for the weekend were a light colored T-top and a sheer blouse, not good candidates for going Bohemian in the presence of professional colleagues. The suffering continued.

Fortunately, something happened to help take my mind off the strap. Seems I also accidentally packed a pair of dark, ankle-height socks with substantial nylon content. Every few steps, they would get “eaten” by the insides of my shoes, sliding down over my heel until I manually retrieved them, driving me crazy differently.

The socks were blue, not black like my pants and shoes. Oops. Last time I pack in the dark. I kept pulling the pants down to try to disguise the socks I was busy pulling up every few steps. This dramatically affected how I carried myself. Someone asked if I were hurt. No, just insane. How do I know? The garments are already back in my drawer, awaiting more fun.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Software_Goddess
    May 07, 2011 @ 04:18:26

    For reasons that include this one, I always keep a roll of double stick fashion tape in my purse. It is specifically designed to adhere fabric to skin or other fabric. Runway models use it to keep plunging neck lines from showing more than intended. Dancers use it to keep their leotards from riding up into uncomfortable positions. I use it to keep my sanity intact.


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