Toilet paper now merits its own blog

Please forgive me one small indulgence: I read ads. Not just kind of, sort of (at a glance), but in depth. As someone who used to work for an advertising agency and who has made a fair share of persuasive speeches, I’m always interested in how people aim to influence me.

Two of the dumbest, yet highly successful, visual advertising campaigns in recent years have been the irritating “Got Milk?” photos of celebrities with cheesy milk moustaches and the Fresh Step cat litter ads with kitties looking anguished, holding their privates, because “Cats everywhere are having a hard time smelling their litter boxes.” Some of my family members like the tacky cat litter ads so much they use them to decorate their refrigerators, right Mom?

My fascination with all things stupid prompted me to follow up on a recent toilet paper print ad with a 30-something woman, captioned, “I’m Sarah Welch, a White Cloud blogger. Learn more about me at” The fact that she identified herself as “a” White Cloud blogger versus “THE” White Cloud blogger upped the stupidity factor, for it told me more than one person was writing out her heart about butt wipe.

I went to the White Cloud website and did not find a section labeled “blog” (short for website log). Instead, I was greeted by an unlabeled list of strange headings: Get Buttoned Up, Keeper of the Cheerios, Kingdom First Mom, Bargain Briana and Green & Clean Mom. All turned out to be blogs.

I found Sarah on the Get Buttoned Up blog, where the posts ranged from how to become better organized, to finding your life’s purpose, to relationship repair. I tried to figure out how toilet paper played a role/roll in those processes and came up with any empty spool. Maybe because I engage in too much single-ply thinking, which I’m guessing is the industry term for “shallow.”

Naturally, I had to check out the other four blogs. Keeper of the Cheerios focused on motherhood, marriage and family. Kingdom First Mom’s tagline was “balancing faith, family and frugality.” Bargain Briana sported mostly coupon savings alerts, while Green & Clean Mom billed itself as the blog site “where going green is sexy, sassy fun.”

That last one caught my attention because I have long thought of toilet paper as sexy and sassy, and cleaning as fun. But again, I failed to see the tie-in between this in-your-face blog and the wipe your rear concept. Maybe I’m just carrying the critical thinking thing too far, but I just didn’t get it.

What I did get was I could follow White Cloud updates on Twitter. Now there’s a good use of time and energy! Just in case there’s late-breaking news about revolutionary advances in toilet paper, I can be the first behind in line to check them out! I’m holding my breath waiting . . . . on the edge of my toilet seat.

What’s most amazing is how the five White Cloud bloggers have created jobs for themselves writing essentially nothing but/butt a bunch of manure, which I do for free. I wonder if they receive real money or get paid in product. Now that would be worth something. I estimate our family goes through at least 50 cents of the stuff per day. I wouldn’t mind taking a crack at crack talk.

I remain disappointed that none of the White Cloud sponsored bloggers actually write about toilet paper or bathroom habits. Instead of reviewing unrelated products, I would rather see helpful hints on important toilet paper topics such as how to find the starting point on a new roll or ways to get your spouse and children to replace an empty one. Or ratings on the public restrooms of national restaurant chains.

If I were writing a blog for White Cloud, I would feature an activity section where I taught proper technique to maximize the arc and distance when throwing rolls to T.P. an enemy’s yard. Or how to crochet holiday-themed cozies for hiding your spare rolls. I’d also share exciting new developments, like reusable toilet paper.

White Cloud be darned, I’d be on Cloud Nine, staying atop everything toilet paper. Bottoms up!


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