Pocket loss is a major violation of rights

We’ve all heard of pocket protectors, but what about pocket protection of a different sort? Specifically, the protection of women’s rights to have pockets. If the Bill of Rights gives us the right to bear arms, surely we also must have the right to bear pockets. You know, pocket possession. Isn’t possession allegedly nine-tenths of the law?

Once in a while you come across an article of compensatory clothing that makes up for all the other pocket losses. I immediately knew I had to buy this shirt!

“What is she talking about?!” you must be wondering. “Why the pocket paranoia?” Well, the problem strongly registered with me late this past summer when I found myself pocketless three days in a row, in three different outfits. Coincidence? I think not. The absence of pockets greatly handicapped me, to the point I am considering bringing a lawsuit against clothing manufacturers who think it cute to withhold pockets from women’s clothing. Here’s what I mean:

Day one, I was wearing a pair of paisley Capri pants. I went to slide the small, black  writer’s notebook I carry with me into my left front pants pocket, only to discover there was none. So I had to carry it tucked under my arm (more like shoved into my armpit) with my car keys balanced inside the waistband of the Capris while I tried to take photos and intelligently conduct interviews without sweating.

Day two, I was at Lake Michigan with my kids. I went to stash my car keys in my pocket only to note my bathing suit had none. And just why is that? My 10-year-old son’s bathing trunks had enough pockets for our whole family, including one sewn inside the waistband of his suit, specifically to stash keys. Does this scenario contain a subtext that women should not be driving to the beach?

On Day Three, I was in the wedding of my friend, Julie. While all the guys’ suits had them, the blue, beaded formal dress I was wearing had no pockets. Understandable? Kind of. Practical? No. Especially not when I had a ton of emergency supplies I needed to carry with me that day. Out of habit, I tried to drop my cell phone into my non-existent right front pocket, and it dropped to the floor. It’s a good thing I already had lost its back months ago by dropping it or I might have been even more upset.

Not only is pocketlessness inconvenient, it can also be embarrassing. Take a state speech contest I participated in last fall in Grand Rapids. When it came my turn to speak, the contest organizers clipped the small microphone onto my lapel, then tried to place the power pack into the pocket of my jacket. Only there wasn’t a jacket pocket. So they whispered, “Put it in your pants’ pocket.” Only there wasn’t a pants pocket. So I had to fake there was and instead subtly force it down, out of sight, into my underwear.

Gross, I know, but in my defense, I was out of options. Didn’t have any Duct tape on me (as if I’d be carrying some in my pocket, even if I had one!) and needed my hands free to gesture while speaking. For the record, the underwear was fairly clean because I rarely get THAT nervous. Sure hope the contestant who spoke directly after me is not reading this and getting a case of delayed heebie jeebies.

Seamstresses can appreciate the added difficulty adding pockets adds to garment construction. But when we’re talking commercially-sewn clothing, it shouldn’t matter. Warning: The pocketless trend is forcing women to carry even bigger purses. As if that’s possible!

Most of the guys reading this, free hands shoved casually into one of their many pockets, have no clue what I’m talking about, as the male species continues to enjoy pocket prosperity. Maybe that’s where all the pockets have gone: To the other gender.

It’s ironic that at the same time we have become a nation of storage units and Tote tubs, women are slowly losing our pockets. It bears studying: Take a pocket poll, as opposed to taking up pocket pool. Write your favorite congressional representative, “Forget the budget deficit and address the pocket recession.” Demand to know why if we can send men to the moon in rockets, why can’t women have pockets?

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