Sometimes I read the articles that appear when I first open a web browser such as Firefox. Other times, I breeze by in pursuit of my actual business. But when I do have the time to do stray reading, I’ve noticed those articles can be fairly entertaining, especially the ones involving behavioral research.
One that recently got my attention was a Pocket worthy piece for the BBC by London-based author and science writer Dave Robson. It was titled, “Why Overly Kind and Moral People Can Rub You up the Wrong Way”. Just try to NOT read something that begins with that heading. But best disregard the “rub you up” wording. That’s British speak. Americans would simply say “rub you the wrong way”, which sounds less perverse.
Fortunately, I spotted that article when I had the extra reading time available. My first thoughts were that I’ve met overly kind and moral people like that, don’t want to be one of them, and hopefully haven’t been.
Although I regularly try to err on the side of doing the kind and moral thing, I’m not compulsive about it. When I fall short, I may give myself a mental “talking to”, but stop short of continuing to feel guilty and beating myself up over not being nice enough. I simply apologize and try to do better the next time, without belaboring my point to the point I start to be an A—hole, just differently, due to persistent over-apologizing.
Sometimes there’s not really anyone to apologize to, so I must replay in my mind how I think I failed and what I need to do differently the next time. The real question remains: am I truly sorry?
“Have you ever come across someone who is incredibly kind and morally upright – and yet also deeply insufferable?” asks Robson, “They might try to do anything they can to help you or engage in a host of important, useful activities benefiting friends and the wider community. Yet they seem a little bit too pleased with their good deeds and, without any good reason to think so, you suspect that there’s something calculated about their altruism.”
Copping an uncharitable attitude toward those who are technically displaying charitable behavior leaves me wondering if I have reached a new low within myself. But still, there are times when I can’t shake the cynicism once it’s registered within me. Behavioral scientists have a name for that kind of regard toward suspicious charitable behavior: do-gooder derogation.
According to Wikipedia’s description of the phenomena, “research has shown a combination of moral and dominance personality traits in a person have been linked to an increased level of moral self-righteousness and dislike by perceivers.”
Ah, so when our self-righteous detectors go off, our cynicism flips on. After citing research where subjects were observed playing an income and investment game that offered the opportunity to punish other participants for insincere motivations and willingness to capitalize on the efforts of others, Robson reports, “An apparent act of generosity that seems to be driven by self-interest can make others who aren’t doing the same deed bristle.”
Resentments were floating everywhere in the air. For as much as I’d like to believe that the altruistic behavior of others, as well as my own, is motivated by human kindness and a highly-evolved sense of morality, the opposite is often the case. Over several centuries, humans have gained the understanding that effectively enacted altruism is a survival skill that helps one to gain a more favorable social position, which over time positions one for other opportunities, including relational and economic.
It happens all the time among others and within ourselves. In addition to doing nice things just to be nice, we sometimes do nice things to appear nicer to other people. Pro-bono work benefits not just the people we do it for, but may attract the attention of other prospective clients, making them think we are the kind of nice person they’d like to do business with. Other times, nice behavior results in a sizeable income tax deduction.
In other words, your mother was right when she said you should to be nice to that person you didn’t really like, because someday you might need them for something. You will.
DIFFERENT DRUM 